intrinsic - all words are dust

it IS the most wonderful time of the year

This year is winding to a close before I can even being to comprehend all that went on in it! What a year indeed… The first half of it was pretty rough, I have to admit. Chris and I were in the middle of potentially losing our home before we’d even really begun to enjoy it and because of a bank not crossing all it’s Ts and dotting all it’s Is before a foreclosure went through. My dad had been diagnosed with cancer and we were all on pins and needles waiting to see how it turned out. And in the midst of it all, I decided to take a new path in my career and become a nurse practitioner. But, of course, that all turned out well in the end. House is ours, dad is well, I was accepted to school and many other good things happened this year to drown out the bad.

To elaborate on the schooling issue: Yes, indeed I was accepted to a Family Nurse Practitioner (FNP) program at University of St Francis here in Albuquerque. They come highly recommended and unlike my alma mater, realize that nurses in this program need to work during school- so they encourage you to and encourage you to take your studies at your own pace. While that might bump my graduation date out a few months, it also means I can work during it all- which I must do. I’m excited to start this new phase in my life. I’m more than a little nervous about going back to school after almost 5 years, but I think I can get the hang of it quickly. I’m jumping right in with a couple theory classes, so I’ll either sink or swim pretty decisively! I’m not sure what I want to do with my degree when I’m done. I’m pretty attached to the ER, but the idea of family practice is really attractive to me too. I’m going into this to be a more effective healthcare provider, and really the biggest need and the place I can make the biggest impact is in primary care. I’ll see how it goes once I’m in clinicals and actually experiencing that kind of care first hand. Reality is always much different than the ideal we come up with in our minds. :) Is it surprising though that my biggest qualm with going into primary care are the hours? I’ve been so spoiled by working 3 days a week…

I’ve also had the opportunity to sit in on a grand jury the last few months. I had no idea that this aspect of the legal system even existed, but being the referee between offenders and district attorneys is a pretty powerful position to play. While going 2 days a week on top of my regular job has been painful, I’m all the better for having experienced this. I haven’t been terribly surprised by anything I’ve seen- the ER cured me of that quick, but interacting with people I ordinarily would never have come into contact with has been pretty eye opening. I pretty much only talk to my family and to friends who work in the medical field, for the most part. Interacting with engineers, teachers, retirees and the unemployed has really changed my point of view on a lot of things. I guess my best example is when one of the jury members asked me if heroin was really that dangerous after a Possession charge came our way. The idea that that kind of information isn’t commonly known by everyone was a bit of shock to me. But, if one doesn’t *have* to know these things in his daily life, why would you want to? I only know about this nonsense because of my profession- and unfortunately I know way too much about it. Otherwise, I’d be just as clueless. But, as interesting as grand jury has been, I will NOT be sad to see it go. Those 2 days a week are going to have to start becoming homework days… Eeeek.

I’m glad this time of year, which is my FAVORITE, is being met with such good things this time. Last year was pretty miserable… So, I find myself actually enjoying the holiday- singing the carols, decorating, wrapping gifts and knitting them without a weight on my shoulders. This time of year means so much more when one is at peace with things as opposed to feeling like everything is terrible and the whole world is against them. I appreciate my family, my friends and my life so much more this year than I think I ever have- and I really owe it to the experiences I’ve had in the last few years.

I said it around Thanksgiving, but I think it bears repeating as the year ends: Instead of considering this a horrible year, I’m grateful it’s ending on such a high note. So many good things are ahead of me, why look back at the bad?

The end is the beginning.

October 17th, 2011 | Posted by intrinsic in generalizations - (Comments Off)

As my little stand alone ER moves to a full fledged hospital Thursday morning, I’ve been reflecting on my time there. I’m excited to be part of the new hospital, yet I can’t help but feel a bit nostalgic. I’ve been a nurse for 4.5 years now, a tech for a year prior to that. 5.5 years at the same place taught me quite a bit. The ER was the first place I actually learned about healthcare and nursing. I started my first IV there, placed my first Foley catheter, learned the difference between a focused assessment and a head to toe assessment. I learned so much more about disease process, pharmacology, procedure and standards of care than I ever did in school. The ER raised me from a clueless baby nurse to a competent professional. I owe it my career.

But on a more personal note, I owe much more than just my skills and career to that place. While placed before my little ER was even conceived, I can’t help but forget the little memorial out side the building that marks the tragedy that brought Chris into my life. I have also met some of my very best friends there and have had some incredible teachers. I have seen some of the funniest, weirdest things I’ve ever encountered- things beyond imagination. I have stories for days about the bizarre things people say and do. I’ve seen and done things that I never in all my schooling thought I’d ever see or do. I’ve met some of the coolest people and some of the worst people- priests, murderers, philanthropists and drug addicts. I’ve sat with patients and families as terrible or wonderful news is broken to them and the ER has broken my heart on more than one occasion; I’ve encountered enough tragedy to suit me for a life time. But it’s also shown me the very best in people. There, I’ve had the unique privilege to deal in life and in death- how many can claim they’ve influenced either?

This weekend, I’m moving on to a new stage in my career and my life. I’ll never forget the lessons learned at the Little ER That Could, but I’m eager to start anew with a blank foundation to build on.

June 13th, 2011 | Posted by intrinsic in generalizations - (Comments Off)

http://www.mercy.net/joplin/stories-of-mercy/45-seconds

for some reason, wordpress won’t let me embed links all pretty like.

anyway, the above link is a really incredible account by an ER physician who was on duty at st. johns hospital in joplin, MO the day the tornado hit. i can’t even imagine being able to function in such a situation; he was able to not only function but undoubtedly save many lives. that man is a true hero.

here thar be spring.

May 29th, 2011 | Posted by intrinsic in generalizations - (Comments Off)

holy hell, is it ever going to stop being so stupidly windy?

otherwise, this spring is quite lovely. trees and flowers i’d worried were lost after the late freeze are coming back. flowers that i planted only this year are doing very well. it’s nice to see some of our efforts from last year weren’t for nothing. it’s also nice to see everything so vibrant and alive after such a crappy winter. now that our house is REALLY our house, we’ve been able to finish some of the projects we started last year. my stairway is finally painted. the horrible half bathroom is stripped of it’s hideous black wallpaper and is now a lovely shade of blue. there are a few other little things here and there that need to be finished, but the biggest joy i find in all of it is that we’re doing something when for the last few months all we could do was sit idle. that was so infuriating to me.

the cats are driving me insane though. you may recall mannie, who was former medicated to high heaven because gus scared her so terribly. well, now she is unmedicated but she’s the world’s biggest bully and won’t leave my little baby gus alone. i fear that he will become as terrified as she once was. we’ll see… those two make me more and more grateful for stripey as each day passes. he’s the best behaved kitty that ever lived. :(

as the rest of the country enjoys a prolonged weekend, imma be working. today was my sole day off after a rough weekend. the first two days were okay, but saturday night was a bitch of a shift. i’m usually stationed up in triage these days now that i’m not orienting a new nurse, and most nights i empty the lobby by 3am. last night, i still had 20 patients out there at 3am. that’s the kind of night it was. this weekend was full of stupid though- lots of babies with fevers, long term ailments that suddenly required emergency treatment, frequenters demanding narcs… the bread and butter of ER life. the few “sick” people i take care of are a treat this time of year. the amount of sick patients is low in spring and summer- mostly we see a lot of injuries, stupid crap. i’m more and more excited for my hospital to begin screening patients for where or not they are truly emergent, and then booting out the non-emergent. all the other ERs in the city do so, and it comes to us this fall. i cannot wait.

so that’s all i got- disjointed as all of the above was. life is good. my dad is getting better. what more could i ask for?

a brief recap.

April 17th, 2011 | Posted by intrinsic in generalizations - (Comments Off)

You wanna know why you feel so hollow
Because you are

Well, hello there.

As we last left off in the ever contradictory life of Cadie, I was expounding on my hatred of marriage.
Then I got married.
And then, unrelated to said marriage, life sucked for approximately three months.
And now, things seem to be settling out and calming down. My usual routine re-established, my general mood much improved, the drama of the last several months subsiding, I truly feel as though spring is a rebirth. And so, intrinsic is also reborn.

What the hell has been going on?!
An agonizingly complicated legal matter came to light in early December regarding our house. To really make a long story short- dude that lost our house back in ’09 tried getting it back by claiming wrongful foreclosure. It’s an incredibly popular method to reclaim one’s lost house these days in the wake of so many foreclosures- and fortunately for Chris and me, the judge disagreed with the dude and we as of this month, actually own the house. But, imagine receiving (on a Saturday, natch) a certified letter from your title insurance company (who I had already forgotten about even having) in the mail stating that there was a “title” issue and that it may result in a “null and void” real estate transaction. And then speaking with a few lawyers (hired by said title insurance co.) that painted a bleak legal landscape, emphasizing that you might just lose the house you’d been paying for and working on for 8 months already. And all this before the holidays? Your favorite time of the year, in fact? Yeah- it was a shitty Christmas. I fully expected to be moving back into some stupid apartment and become trapped in some crazy legal spiral. I don’t think I have ever been that depressed.
In the middle of that, Chris and I came to the sad, anticlimactic realization that marriage is simply easier. As much as I find it unnecessary for us and our lifestyle- the rest of the world seems to find it the opposite. Buying a house really cemented this for us, and so over Christmas weekend we decided to get hitched. If we wanted this to count for the fiscal year (and make our first time homebuyer tax credit really work for us), we had to get married by the end of 2010. We had 6 days to seal the deal, and getting in with a judge before the end of the year was unlikely at best. Then, we remembered that NM has surprisingly lenient marriage laws that allow any ordained person to marry a couple (as long a that couple is a male and female, OF COURSE). That led me to recall an online church that would ordain you for free via the interwebs. A very awesome friend agreed to ordain herself and marry us, and with my dad and another great friend as witnesses- that was that. Again, anticlimactic- but at the same time, exactly how that had to happen for Chris and me. I can’t imagine that a real ceremony or a reception or party or anything else would have meant more or have been more appropriate for us than signing a marriage license in a friends dining room and then ordering some pizza. Do things feel any different between us? Of course not. All those people who, for YEARS, have been telling me “things change when you get married” actually were lying. Chris is still Chris and I still have not become an overbearing, manipulative shrew. Huh. I was right about at least something, I guess.
Ah, but then the big bomb hit just after the new year. My dad has cancer. What started as kind of a funny lump on his neck that we nicknamed “Gil” over Christmas became “Mal”, the malignant tumor. While my dad has a great sense of humor and is taking this all in stride, I came to the cold realization that my parents aren’t immortal, unstoppable forces. They’re human- and they can get sick. REALLY sick. To make it worse, I’m an unabashed daddy’s girl, so to see my father sick is a massive blow. The worst part was just not knowing how bad things were. While we waited for biopsies and PET scans and blood work to come back, I deceloped this horrible, increasingly anxiety and had fully prepared myself for the words I dreaded the most: “The cancer is everywhere Cadie, it’s terminal”. When I finally got the call that it was localized in his neck, highly treatable and that things would be okay- I cried with relief. The worst surely isn’t over though; Dad is in the middle of chemo and radiation treatments that are going to make him feel like crap soon. Right now though, I’m okay with what’s happening and I can see that even something like cancer can’t stop him. I’m taking him to treatments part of the week and I’m really relishing the time spent with him right now.
There was of course, the usual drama with Chris’ NM family. But, it makes me feel quite angry to even think about it- so I’m just leaving it at that.
Through all this, work was almost an escape. It’s been ridiculous busy, so for at least 36+ hours a week I could shut out the bullshit at home and with my family and focus on a different kind of crazy. At least I got paid to do it. I’ve been either trapped up in triage at work, or orienting a new hire to the ER. The orienting I love; the triage I have a love/hate relationship with.

I learned a few things through all this though (other than the obvious legal and medical issues). Chris and I can weather just about anything; I have the world’s most supportive guy (sorry, “husband” still sounds weird to me). I also have awesome and supportive friends. I also really love my house. My parents are awesome. And, I’ve GOT to start looking at the bright side of things instead of wallowing in the dregs like I did through approximately the middle of March. I feel like I’m finally pulling myself out of a deep, dark hole that really- I dug for myself.

This spring is going to be different. This YEAR is going to be different. I’m determined to make it the best yet.

the dog days are over

November 9th, 2010 | Posted by intrinsic in mush | politics | rants - (Comments Off)

and I never wanted anything from you
except everything you had
and what was left after that too.

i read an article about a british couple trying to file for a civil union/partnership over there. apparently, it’s only for homosexual unions, so they’ve been denied and are suing…. the UK i guess? anyway, their point is that they don’t feel like “husband and wife”, but feel more a partnership with each other. they don’t understand why they can’t have a civil whatever but are instead forced to relegate themselves to entering a marriage.

this is exactly how i feel about the whole marriage issue. i don’t want to be anyone’s wife. i want to be a partner. this isn’t to say that marriage does not equal a partnership. however, i am not terribly enthusiastic about entering a union that is traditionally religious in it’s purpose and oftentimes, mysognistic. and frankly, the institution of marriage is just unfair. women are still sold into marriage, many religions still see wives as subject to their husbands and little girls are forced to marry old skeezy men. also, if same sex couples can’t be married, then i don’t want to be part of that nonsense.

a civil partnership or union would grant Chris and I the legal rights and privileges we want without the baggage, as I see it. there are ways to get around all those legalities- but it involves much more paperwork than my married peers have to encounter. (i mean, how many 20 somethings have advanced directives and wills?) new mexico hasn’t jumped on the civil whatever bandwagon yet, and with a recently elected conservative state government- i don’t see that happening any time soon. for us, the commitment to each other is there- and has been for a very long time; I would like to see the rest of it happen some time in my lifetime.

winding down.

August 3rd, 2010 | Posted by intrinsic in everyday | house - (Comments Off)

her heels click on the sidewalk
adding tempo to the sound
of a city living hard
this ain’t no one bar town

the summer is quickly passing. come fall though, i’ll actually be a little disappointed to see it go. we’ve been enjoying all the opportunities a home with a backyard has to offer. every night christopher and i are both off we’ve been grilling and then enjoying our dinners outside.

evening is my favorite time of the day at my home. as the sun sets on the front of our home, the backyard stays cool and quiet under the patio. i’ve been spending afternoons outside reading on the patio, watching storms in the north and having meals with christopher. any afternoon storms have usually passed through by the time we’re ready to eat and it’s perfect weather to spend some time together outdoors. taking our meals out the small outdoor table, we’ve been spending more time together than I think we have in the past. this summer has really been wonderful.

and all the things i’ve tried to say-

July 22nd, 2010 | Posted by intrinsic in events | everyday - (Comments Off)

and all the things i’ve tried to say
were never easy to explain-
they were always meant for you.

and all the memories that were made
for years and years
i’ve chased this day-
they were always for you.

this summer is going by way too fast. i’m happy about that in one way: fall is near. i love me some new mexico autumn.

i did however, spend a lovely week in florida with kira. i came back on tuesday after a return trip to universal studios (and harry potter world!!!), my first trip to disney ever, the beach and a truly amazing sun burn. don’t necessarily believe a sunscreen when it says “waterproof”. also, don’t ever doubt that your legs won’t burn because they never have before. they are now an itchy nightmare.
i love spending time with kira, either in NM or FL, but it makes me realize how much i miss her the rest of the time. :/ yay to the internet for keeping in touch, right?

i head back to work tomorrow after a week and a half off. time off just emphasizes how much i wish i was independently wealthy and never had to work… i definitely needed a break. i was starting to feel a little burnt out and apathetic. i seem to get that way about once a year, but it times up well with a change in my work situation or a vacation. lucky for me, it was vacation time. i’ve been orienting a new hire, which i always love doing, but have been particularly challenged by this one. it’s difficult to orient someone who has been a nurse already because what may be most important to you might not be as important to the new hire. for example, i am a documentation fiend. i think my charts are thorough and clear documents of the time my patients spent in the ER. For my new hire, this doesn’t seem to be as big of an issue. i think that i need to just let it go. i’ve spoken my peace and if she doesn’t take it to heart like i do- that’s cool. i can’t practice nursing for other people. if i could, maybe i’d get a pay raise. Yay!!

i’ll end this on the wishful thinking about a pay raise.

cat dynamics.

July 3rd, 2010 | Posted by intrinsic in cats - (Comments Off)

this is a song about the way things are.
this is a song about the scary things you see from the corner of your eyes-
don’t you wonder why?
we never talk about the future;
yeah, we never talk about the past anymore.
we never ask ourselves the questions to the answers that nobody even wants to know;
i guess the honeymoon is over-
so much for the afterglow

Gus is dopey. He loves everyone.

Mannie is spiteful. She hates Gus. Stripey is okay. Usually.

Stripey is clever. He is cool with everyone- BUT DON’T FUCK WITH HIM.

These three guys have been driving me nuts and making me laugh for the last month and a half. Mannie can’t NOT growl at Gus, which means Gus can’t NOT chase her around the house. Stripey beats the shit out of Gus when he gets in Stripey’s face, but otherwise couldn’t care less about him. I think Gus is mentally challenged and he just loves everyone and wants to play. He jumps over Stripey, chases me up and down the stairs, plays with toys and MUST have access to my closet at all times. Mannie had become much more aloof lately, avoiding me and taking to the little cat cave we bought years ago and she ignored. She hasn’t been upstairs in weeks, preferring to stay downstairs and sulk. I’m sad about that. I didn’t mean to upset her when I brought Gus home. I didn’t even mean to acquire Gus, but one head nudge through his cage bars and I was hooked. At least Stripey seems to be doing alright. He’s a pretty laid back, amiable fellow.

These cats are more like people than some of the people I know…

when the lights go out.

June 23rd, 2010 | Posted by intrinsic in work | wtf? - (Comments Off)

it’s been a long time little blog- but i’ve had a lot on my mind and as much as i talk outloud, it’s hard for me to put words to my thoughts.

right before mother’s day last month i (and several coworkers) found another coworker dead in the parking lot at work. there’s still some uncertainty as to what happened- but he probably either accidentally or intentionally overdosed on prescription medications around 24 hours before. i say “we” found him, but it was actually his family after searching all over the city for him- they found him. their screams are right up there at the top of my list of “things i won’t ever forget for as long as i live”.

i deal with dead people all the time. for the most part, that’s okay- but when it’s someone you’ve worked beside for years, it touches something much deeper. was he my friend? not really- we were friendly and had a close working relationship. in the setting of my workplace, we were tight. he always greeted me with a smile and hug and usually something sarcastic to say. he was great at his job and an asset to our team- and one day he was gone.

i’ve been thinking about that part a lot over the last month: the gone-ness. people live, they breathe, they think, they love, they fight- and one day, all that remains is an empty space. sure, the memories and affection one has for the deceased lasts far longer than his or her physical presence- but that presence is difficult to get over. i’ve been thinking a lot about the finality of death and the almost futility of life. death is hard for an atheist. religious people have an afterlife to fall back on. they’ll see the dead later, after this life is over. death is not the end for them. for me, death is it. there is nothing out there after that.

and, for lack of something less eloquent, that scares the shit out of me. while, intellectually, i’ve known this for awhile now, i don’t think it’s actually occurred to me what that means in real life. the last time i close my eyes, the last time my brain fires a synapse- that’s it for me. i’m gone and i won’t have any concept of what’s going on after. there’s no floaty afterlife for me to sit on clouds and chat with my grandmother, there’s no jumping into the next body of the newest baby around- i’m just over.

and so was my coworker. so was my grandfather when i was 14. so was a friend in high school. so will my parents be someday. so will chris. that freaks me out as much as thinking about myself dying- the people i love and cherish will some day just be gone like the lights after a switch is flipped.

i don’t like that feeling. i want to stay around forever. i want my family and friends to be forever. i thought i had it all figured out when i realized i was an atheist. i suppose i have more to figure out on my non-spiritual walk… and certainly more to come to terms with.

people always say “I hope he’s at peace where ever he is” when people die. i just hope he was at peace with the lights went out; i hope i can be too (but i really hope that’s a long, long way away).